Mommy Tracked

My career had been on my mind quite a bit the last several months.   There is a pull between my personal ambition and my role and responsibilities as a mommy that creates a state of constant conflict for me about this subject.  While I was enormously pregnant with Isla, I received a random phone call from a head hunter asking me if I would be interested in applying for a position with a firm that is looking for an associate with experience in medical malpractice defense.  My general philosophy is to follow these types of things and see if they go anywhere.  If they don't - no sweat.  Its good practice to keep your interview skills sharp and resume updated.  So, I interviewed and they loved me, but there was an issue about my burgeoning belly and the fact that I wouldn't be able to actually start working until March (this was October). 

So, that didn't work out.  But, it planted seeds in my head.  For one, I found out first hand exactly how underpaid I was for the work I did.  Second, it made me realize that I had become kind of lackidaisical and passive about my career.  Which, suited me just fine in the moment, but would end up royally screwing me long term.  I figured I probably ought to get the whole giving birth thing out the way first before I really pursued something new career-wise.  So, I did.  I gave birth and enjoyed my "maternity leave" (if you can call working 20+ hrs a week the whole time "leave"), and I eased back into my regular working mommy routine. 

But, I was pretty miserable.  I felt micromanaged, bored, taken advantage of.  I just wasn't happy where I was anymore.  Then one day, my boss came to me and asked me how I'd like the opportunity to be the lead attorney for a new client managing their collection work.  There were a lot of positive things that could come from it, so I said sure!  About a month later, boss man comes back to me and discusses the situation with me some more.  At this time, he tells me that his "vision" is that as I increase the amount of work I'm doing for this new client, I will gradually transition away from my other work I had been doing for the past 6 years - medical malpractice defense and complex litigation. 

Wow.  That took me by surprise.  I politely told my boss "thank you for this opportunity, but I want to be a med mal defense lawyer."  That's what I love.  That's what gets my blood pumping.  That's what makes the whole above-described daily conflict between mommy-Elle and lawyer-Elle almost worth it!  (Add on my huge student loan debt, and it tips the balance).  His response was that he felt this was the best "lifestyle" choice for me and my family at this time.  That being a trial lawyer is tough work and hard to do when you have young kids.  As if I didn't know this already...  Then he said that in his experience, only those people who have "nothing else" (read: children), ever become "great" trial lawyers.  Hm.....

So, I drove home screaming to my mom on the phone.  Frankly, I was pissed.  I didn't want to be a collections attorney (no offense if you are).  I had different dreams and aspirations.  And yes, its hard right now with three young children.  But they won't be young forever.  Taking this "detour" would ruin my chances of ever becoming a well-respected attorney in the field I DID want to make my "speciality" (although, lawyers aren't supposed to use that word).  I made the decision that night to launch a full-on job hunt.

That was a Friday.  Monday, I came into work as usual.  While I was in a deposition, another lawyer who does med mal defense commented that her firm was so busy, and asked if any of us knew of an associate with med mal experience looking for a job?  I told her, "I'll walk you to your car."  And the rest is history.  Of course, they adored me and offered me the job, and I accepted, and all is well and happy again. 

God literally dropped this job in my lap at exactly the right time.  It could not BE more perfect for me.  My two bosses are working mommies who know the challenges appertaining thereto.  The case work is amazing.  I'm given lots of breathing room to really spread my wings.  I'm loving it!

The moral of the story is - Ladies, don't let anyone box you in.  Stop telling yourselves all the reasons why you can't do this or that.  Bull cocky.  Go for your dreams.  Life is too short to sell yourself short!  And dammit - don't anyone dare mommy track me!

Cha-Cha-Cha-CHANGES!

Once again, I allow over two months to lapse in between posts.  After I promised I would never do such a thing ever again...  Tsk tsk.  But surely, if you allow me to explain the reason for my absence, you will understand. 

You see, in the last two months, I have made two VERY big changes. 

First, I left the firm I had worked at for the past six years!  I joined a new firm and have been happily working my tail off.  More on that later.  That deserves a separate post.

Second, we moved!  To a smaller house that will be much more manageable for our budget and my cleaning lady (yeah, that'd be me...).  But more importantly, to a better school district where Carter can attend public school!  (We really disliked the elementary school our prior house was zoned for and therefore shelled out major moulah to put him in private school for Kindergarten).  We're still settling in and there are a few unpacked boxes lying about here and there (and a washing machine in my dining room b/c we can't seem to get it to the basement....), but slowly but surely, we are making progress!!!  Its a quiet little neighborhood with lots of open space and kids!  This is my favorite thing about my new house - the back doors:

Summer has whizzed past me at lightening speed. I simply cannot believe that Carter goes back to school in just a little over a week!!!  I didn't accomplish half of what I intended to do this summer.  Oh well.  Keep looking forward, right? 

Summary - I've been busy as hell.  I'm starting to settle in.  I'll try to post more often. 

Why I Chose: To Work

For a while now, I've been thinking about starting a series of posts on occassion about why I chose to do certain things.  Over six years into motherhood now, I am well-acquainted with the Mommy Wars.  Its not simply confined to working v. staying at home, it touches on EVERYTHING we moms have to make choices about - breastfeeding v. formula feeding, extended rear-facing v. early turning, co-sleeping or not, and the list goes ON and ON and ON.  Of course, I think MY way is the best way for me.  That is why I chose it.  But some people get this idea that if you feel passionate about your own personal choice, that it means you look down on and cast judgment about their opposing choice.  To be honest, as long as your kid is being cared for, I don't really care what you chose to do.  I have too much going on in my own life to stick my nose into other's business. 

I think a more productive use of these conversations (rather than getting offended or feeling high and mighty) would be to really LISTEN to each other and why each one of us makes the choices that we do.  Only then can you begin to understand the nuances and differences in each woman's life and family dynamic.  Only then can we move from sparring with each other in an attempt to constantly one-up each other (and I'm still trying to figure out what the "prize" is for winning), to supporting each other.  Because what it boils down to is:  motherhood is a hard, yet beautiful, job.  We can ALL learn from each other.

So, to kick off this series, I thought I'd start with an issue that was put on center stage for me recently:  Why I Chose to Work.

Now, I should put it out there from the start that it really isn't much of a "choice" per se.  While there once was a time in my life when I could have afforded to stay at home, that is not my situation now (at least not without some MAJOR consequences and lifestyle adjustment to subsistence living).  My family needs my income and my benefits from my employment.  If I were offered an opportunity to be a stay at home mom for a few years, I think I would jump on it.  But that simply is not my reality.  So, I am going to embrace this as a "choice" rather than a prison sentence, and make the most of it!  In so doing, I am going to focus on the positives (because I'm like that).

(in no particular order...)

#1 - I think being a well-rounded woman makes me a better mom.  Kids benefit from a little space.  No one needs a helicopter mom!  Having something that I do away from my kids gives them that space.  And it gives ME diversion.  I would go crazy if all I did was obsess over my kids 24/7.  Of course, working isn't the only way to do this.  The same objective can be met through volunteer activities, hobbies, clubs, etc.  I just don't want my children to see only one dimension of me:  mom.  I want them to see that I am mutli-dimensional.  And that includes my career.  I happen to like my career.  I want them to see that.

#2 - I know that if anything were to happen to my husband, I would be able to provide for my children.  Oh, and I guess this would be a good place to say I have over $100K in student loans to pay back from law school.  Small point. 

#3 - My children benefit from being cared for by others and the structure that comes from that environment.  I tried my darndest to provide a "mimic" of this environment for Bennett while I was home with him on maternity leave, but failed miserably!  He begged me daily to take him to school.  He LOVES the structure, activities and friends at school.  Bennett stayed at home for the first 2.5 years.  Once he started preschool, he BLOSSOMED.  We saw a measurable difference in his mood, his behavior and his development!  Peer pressure can be positive!  He also formed valuable bonds with his caretakers.  Isla too - She LOOOOVES her teachers - it is so sweet!!!

#4 - Spending time away from the kids makes me really appreciate the time I DO have with them!  I get so excited to come home every day to see my babies.  Because of this, I am able to really focus on them 100% and give them quality time and attention.  I'm sure some stay at home moms are able to do this well, but I really struggled with this when I was at home.  I was constantly trying to conquer another task on the to-do list and had a hard time focusing on being present with the kids.  And heck - *I* need structure too!

#5 - Its nice to pee alone at least once a day.  And to have a complete thought.  At home, there is at least one child hanging off me 24/7.  I don't even get to sleep sans kids!  I'm not "complaining" about that per se, but no one is going to tell you they don't enjoy a solo trip to the potty every once in a while. 

#6 - I like having a sense of accomplishment.  This is a totally selfish point, but one I think is undervalued by women.  I was reading President George W. Bush's new book Decision Points and was struck by something he said in there - While explaining to their 17 year old daughters that his decision to run for president was not to ruin their lives, he told them that this was his and Laura's way of living THEIR lives.  As parents, we all want our children to dream big.  We want them to live life to the fullest!  We tell them you can be or do ANYTHING you put your mind to.  Can't we do that too, as parents?  If not, then aren't we lying to our children?  And what type of message are we sending our daughers? 

Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, I fully acknowledge that what some people want is to be full time moms, and that is in and of itself a very worthy goal.  If I raise happy, healthy, God-fearing and society-contributing children - THAT will be my greatest accomplishment of my life.  My point is - go for your dreams!  Your children will learn by example. 

So, in sum...if I had the opportunity, I would take a few years to stay at home while my kids are little and still want me in their hair.  But since I can't, there are still plenty of good reasons to stay in the work force and make the most of it.  I refuse to let myself be rendered guilt-stricken.  I'm going to focus on the PROS and take whatever steps I can to minimize the cons (i.e. optimize the quantity and quality of time I DO spend with my children and make sure I'm there when it COUNTS). 

So, ladies - what are your "reasons" for working or staying home?  What is your "ideal" situation?

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

I must say, I'm slightly flattered at how many of my blog readers have asked me lately why I've gone MIA from this blog!  To be honest - I just got overwhelmed and needed to take a break.  After all, raising two very energetic boys, gestating a sweet little girl through a high-risk pregnancy, and working full-time as layer is a bit to chew for even the best of us.  Or, so I tell myself. 

So, how about a review of the "highlights" from the past few months -

Carter started Kindergarten and LOVES it!!!!

Bennett started preschool and LOVES it!!!!

I am currenlty 29 weeks pregnant with a little girl to be named Isla Michelle!!!

Ace has been pouring his heart and soul into growing and expanding his company.

The next few months are bound to be busy and exciting times for us.  The benefit of my sabatical from blogging is that its given me some time to come up with some kick-butt content to write about!  I hope you enjoy and thanks for bringing me back to the blogosphere!

I WILL Survive!

Phew, another long work week tucked behind me! I guess you could tell from my conspicuous absence here that I've been a little busy. Yeah, that's an understatement. I worked more in the last two weeks than most people work in a MONTH. Insane.

Don't get me wrong, its good. But tiring. I just focus on the fact that this won't last forever. Ebbs and flows.

I've had so many great thoughts (well, I think they are great) in the past week to share, but haven't had a chance to. But I do want to share this article with you before I leave to embark on my busy weekend (mom, you gave the wrong middle name, it should have been "busy"):

The Test of Time: A busy working mother tries to figure out where all her time is going

I was whining to my dear friend AA about my lack of time yesterday and she sent me this great article. I could definitely relate to the author!! Tempted to start a time journal to see how much leisure time I have :)

How was YOUR week???? Please reply! I sometimes feel like I'm talking to myself here, but I see you reading!

Family Friendly

I want to take a moment to say that I am so thankful that I have such a family friendly employer. Seriously. It is hard being a working mom. REALLY hard. Its even harder when, like me, you don't have a traditional 40-hour a week type job. Being an attorney is a demanding job, both mentally and in terms of time committment. I honestly do not think I would be able to continue doing it if I didn't have such an amazing boss and firm.

As with most associate attorneys, I have a minimum billable hour requirement that my firm expects me to meet each year. Its pretty ambititious and requires a lot of hard work to meet it. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons (mostly Bennett's multiple hospitalizations and illnesses this past year, and his insane number of doctor appointments), I just was not able to meet that requirement. I was definitely working hard, but the demands of life were simply too much.

So, I was rather expecting that my boss would really get on my case about it. I prayed on more than one occassion that they please not fire me! I went into my year-end review with a healthy sense of nervousness and anticipation.

Now, don't get me wrong, the issue definitely came up. But my boss said to me "You are a wife, mother and lawyer. If you have to be mediocre at any of those things, it should be the lawyer." Wow.

A lot of employers claim to be family friendly. But when it comes down to it, they really aren't. I am SO incredibly thankful and lucky to be able to work for a firm that really truly is family friendly. When I was in the hospital on bedrest while pregnant with Bennett, they didn't push me to work. They said to do what I could. After Bennett was born and during his 9 week NICU stay, they told me to focus on my baby. When my maternity leave ran out, and my baby was still in the hospital, and later when he was home on oxygen and a gazillion medications and there was no way I was leaving him yet - they compromised and let me work from home part time. No one blinks an eye when I roll out of here at 5:30 p.m. No one says a word when I miss time because I have to take Bennett to this doctor or that doctor. They have my welfare as a person in mind, and realize that being a mom is a HUGE part of who I am. If they were not so accomodating, there is no way I would have been able to continue pursuing my career. They made it so I didn't have to choose between my career and my children.

I do not take this for granted. Not one second. I know this comes at a cost to my firm. I know they are making a long-term investment in me. This type of work environment is invaluable. It makes it easy to be loyal to a firm like this. The more they invest in me - the more I want to invest in them. If only more employers were like this!!!!

I WILL

You know me. I'm stuck on the proverbial hamster wheel. Not just with my career, which is endlessly sucking hours out of my day that I don't even have. But, with everything. Every week I start off believing THIS week, I will do it right. I will keep my life in order. I will enforce routines. But it never happens. I swear, once upon a time, I really did have my life together. I dunno what happened. Oh yeah, I had another baby (and I want another one too, like, really bad). But, I refuse to surrender defeat and conclude that those days are gone for good. So, yep, each Sunday night, I sit here and write out my game plan for getting my act together.

This week I WILL...

...get up when my alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m. No matter how sleepy (or, lazy) I feel or cold the house is. Or, how much sleep I got the night before.

...work out each and every morning. Again, no matter how lazy I feel. I mean, sleepy.

...leave the house on time, no matter what dilatory tactics Carter pulls.

...focus at work and make every minute count, resulting in less work I have to bring home with me and more billable hours.

...eat healthy, whole foods. I will NOT cave into that evil little demon inside my head that says "but you NEED that Coke because you need the caffeine jolt."

..."eat the frog" and conquer my most-loathed task first thing in the day.

...not sit down at night to "relax" until my home to-do's are scratched off, and I've spent 15 minutes doing general pick up around the house.

...fold AND put away the laundry on the same day I wash and dry it. As opposed to leaving it in piles around the house for the entire week like I usually do.

Yes, I WILL do these things. You'll hold me accountable, won't you?

But if I don't, please don't judge me too harshly because I never have a problem with plastering my babies with kisses, and cuddling with them and soaking them up and breathing them in. And those "to do's" mean so much more in the long run, right??? But I digress, because I'm determined. I WILL regain control.

The Juggling Act

Life feels like a juggling act.
You try your hardest to keep all the balls in the air at once.

You believe that the balls are glass; if one falls, it will surely shatter.

Better yet, the balls are made of glass, and they are all connected to each other by an invisible string. If one falls, it pulls down the others with it, and only those balls which you can hold securely in your two hands remain safe.

The better you become at juggling, the more balls you add. You have this idea that the more balls you have, the happier and more fulfilling life will be.

But the more balls you add, the faster your arms must work to keep them in the air. Thus, your exhaustion grows and you will eventually run out of energy to keep up "the act." At some point, you must chose a ball to let go. But which one? They all seem so important. They all seem so interesting. While you labor to decide, one falls.

Something astonishing happens - it does not shatter! Rather, it bounces! And you discover that you can put down balls and pick them back up again! The revelation has been made that, while no woman (or man, especially not a man) is capable of maintaining perfect balance forever, we do have the choice to determine at this moment which balls to keep in the air. In that, we can experience the multitude of joys in this life, while not forsaking the joy of simply living.

In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms

This week, during my commute, I listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's audiobook - In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms. You may ask what a working mom like myself is doing reading/listening to this book in particular? Well, I often fantasize about taking a few years out of the rat race and staying home myself. I also was the beneficiary of having an amazing stay-at-home mom while growing up. And, frankly, I was curious about the controversy surrounding the book. Dr. Laura is known for stirring up a few pots in her time. Knowing her stance on working moms (i.e. we're the scum of the earth), I went in cautiously.



I was encouraged in the prolouge when she said that this book was to be in praise of stay at home moms rather than a jab at working moms. But that warm fuzzy feeling of optimism lasted about one minute - long enough for her to snidely and facetiously throw a few upper cuts into the working mom jaw.



This book left me feeling very ... bipolar. In one instance, I'd be nodding my head in agreement with what she was saying. In the next, I'd be ready to punch her in the face! After all, I do believe to a degree in traditional gender roles (and try to respect them as much as I can in my own marriage despite my working status), and I do believe that there is no replacement whatsoever for the love and attention of mommy. There is no doubt that loose ends go untied when you have a two-career family, and there is tremendous value is having someone to "make the home." Plus, I think she has many great points and suggestions (although I've never tried it myself beyond a few months of maternity leave here and there) for being a happy and fulfilled stay-at-home mom.



Dr. Laura, however, goes much much further. She cannot suffice to say that care of infants and young children by their mother is best. Nope - she goes on to say that care by others is harmful, daycare is "warehousing" and abandoment of children, and that a mother who does not gladly take on the task of raising her children fulltime simply does not love her children enough to make the sacrifice. Wow. Ouch!



Another thing that disturbed my post-graduate-educated mind is the fact that she bases all of this on anecdotal evidence - her own experiences, her radio-program callers, letters she's received and experiences she's heard about. She makes a point to state that research has no role in the debate (well, for her, there is no debate), and that people can twist the data to make it say whatever they want. But I beg the question - what do snippets of people's life experiences prove? I'm sure that you can find many stories about working moms who manage to balance the best of both worlds (I'm still working on that...). Plus, I know first hand that you can have an amazingly strong bond with your children and raise them to be secure and self-confident thriving individuals even if they spend some time in the care of someone other than myself! (Don't you dare mention the benefits of this care arrangment to Dr. Laura - she'll hear none of it).



Of course, she justifies her own radio career by stating that she was able to work her career around her family rather than vice-versa by working only at night. Well, that's fine and dandy for her, but the Courts aren't open after 4:30 p.m., and I doubt opposing counsel would appreciate a phone call from me at 9:00 p.m. when my children are tucked away in bed. While I do burn the midnight oil more frequently than not, it is a fact of my profession (and I dare say most) that work be done during normal business hours.



I think the danger in Dr. Laura's proposition (that all mothers should stay out of the work force until their children are grown, if ever), is in throwing the advancement of women back about 100 years. There is no doubt that the world benefits tremendously from having a little more estrogen infused into this testosterone-dominated world. Women bring tremendous value to their professions and our world! Its a nice idea to say that you can jump in full force when your children are grown, but in reality, it doesn't often work that way. She is right - my lawyering (in isolation) is not more important to the world than my mothering. But the fallacy in this is thinking that I am not mothering! I fight and claw to make sure I get have plenty of quality time with my children (not saying its easy or I'm 100% successful), and I see two amazing individuals blossoming who know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their mommy is there when they need them. To throw out some anecdotal evidence of my own - I have a friend who worked for about 3 years after her daughter was born at a high-powered job in Washington, D.C. When her husband took a position overbroad and her son was born, she decided to stay at home with the kids. She does not feel like she's "mothering" any more now than she did before!



Yes, for some women, and for some families, having mom at home full time may be the absolute right thing. But its an insult to women to think that we are too selfish or stupid to make that determination for ourselves. And it leaves those of us who cannot do so for financial reasons feeling like crap.



So, yes, I want to praise stay-at-home moms (and perhaps dabble in the arena myself one day!) because they add tremendous value to families and communities. But for pete's sake (or Mary's or Katherine's, etc.), can we do that without striking a knock-out blow to women who work?????



Anyway, in the end I guess I got what I expected all along from the book.

In the Present

Its so easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of life and forget to really live. I find myself rushing through the mornings and evenings with the kids, just trying to get them dressed and fed. All too often, I'm physically there, but I'm not really THERE with them. My mind is occupied with a million other things. Of course, the busier I am with work and miscellaneous stuff, the more distracted I am.

This morning, I took Carter to the dermatologist. As we were in the waiting room, he and I played a little game where he hid his toy, and I found it. I found myself really being present in the moment - making eye contact, really focusing on him, and blocking out other thoughts from my mind. Wow, what a wonderful time just 15 minutes in the waiting room turned out to be!!! I could tell Carter really was enjoying my undivided attention too. Plus, he was so well behaved! (Isn't most acting out at this age a call for attention??).

So, here's the challenge - when you are with your kids, make eye contact with them, get on their level, block out the world, and just really focus on them! My mid-year resolution is to make a point of being present in the moment when I am with my kids!

Buying Time

The only thing all human beings are given in equal measure is time.
- Anthony Robbins

We all have the same 24 hours in the day. What matters is what you do with it. It doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, smart, or not, you can't get anymore than 24 hours. (Man, we could make it big if we could figure out how to!).

It doesn't matter whether you work out of the home, in the home, or stay at home with your kids. Life is BUSY. We find ways to fill every free second. There never seems to be enough time to get it all done. As a working mom, I think the challenge is even greater, as we have to account to someone else for at least 1/3 of our day. Work and life can consume you to the point where you cannot seem to find time for anything else.

I don't know about you - but that just isn't "enough" for me. I love practicing law, but its only a part of my life. So, I try desperately to find ways to squeeze in time for other things I enjoy (and need!). For example, I get up at 5:30 a.m. to work out. I listen to books on cd in the car while I commute, and make my personal phone calls (and sometimes professional calls too) while commuting. Most nights, I have to work for several hours after my boys are in bed for the night (the evil of billable hours). So, even though I rarely hit the sheets prior to 11 p.m., I always make some time to read for pleasure, even if it is only 10 minutes (a necessity to clear my mind, or I dream about work and wake up panicked!). When you work 10-12 hours a day, you have to get creative!! Especially with two precious boys, who I refuse to sacrifice a single minute with unecessarily!

The weekends aren't too much better either, since I often have "catch up" to do for work, housework, laundry, and errands. Of course, we try to do lots of fun things with our boys and our friends and families too.

So long as I can manage to keep the routines in place, we seem to manage pretty well. Of course, sometimes more focus has to be on work and at other times, more attention on home/fun. But I try my hardest to keep homeostasis, so to speak. Its a constant work in progress, and to be honest, its exhausting. But that is the price you pay for living an otherwise "fulfilling" life, huh?

What are your tips for squeezing extra time out of the day????

One day I will....

Take a photography class.

Take a cake decorating class.

Join a book club.

Take up pilates.

Learn how to speak French.

And Tagalog.

Take my kids to the zoo on a weekday.

Go on vacation to a heavenly tropical island.

And Napa.

Plant a vegetable garden.

And a flower garden (with no bees, please!).

Write a book.

Start a volunteer support group for bedresting mommas-to-be and/or preemie parents.

Spend a whole day with both of my kids without anything on the to-do list, just savoring every moment of them.


You could say I've had a particularly long ... difficult ... day at work today. I thought maybe thinking about my "someday dreams" would make me feel better!

What will you do "someday"?????

Push and Pull

Good news - Bennett is home now from the hospital! He is doing well so the docs decided he could come home - thank the Lord! You can read about the adventure here if you are bored. Sorry for the typos in my prior post - I sent it from my cell phone. Gotta love technology...

So, this is what I was planning to blog about last night before Bennett changed my itinerary - the perpetual conflict that rages inside the heads of working moms.

My best friend returned to work full time yesterday from maternity after having her first child - a very cute little boy named Elijah. It reminded me of those early days when I was finding my bearings as a working mom and how difficult they were. Not difficult logistically, as in actually DOING it. But difficult emotionally. I wanted to work. But I didn't want to be away from my new baby! But I did want a bit of a break from his incessant crying and some adult interaction.

I actually had a pretty sweet gig going when Carter was born. I started working as a law clerk when Carter was 10 weeks old. I worked 8-4 and never had to bring home work. So, I had 4:30 on each night with him, and of course, the wee early morning hours as well. But that didn't stop me from counting each day how many hours I spent with him. Yep, I would calculate the percentage of his waking hours he spent with me versus away from me. Neurotic much?? The reality is, I wanted the best of both worlds - to get to get out and work on my career and be "me" not just "mommy," and also to be the biggest presence and influence in my son's life. What's so wrong with that??

But the guilt...oh the guilt!! I never felt like I was doing a good-enough job of achieving that delicate balance, particularly after I returned to law school full time when Carter was 6 months old, while still working part-time for my firm and serving as an editor on a law journal (dare ya to try that!) . Work has taken an even more predominant role in my life now that I don't have set working hours, but rather minimum billable hours that I am required (impossibly it seems) to meet. While I don't count hours anymore (I vowed not to do that anymore - its not good for my mental health), the push and pull between work and my children extrapolates with time. Now that I have two (wonderful and amazing) children, that precious time is divided by two. And my energy and focus is divided by 4 it seems.

These days, I find my mind wandering further and further from work and closer to my children. I'd lie if I said my work performance didn't suffer. I can't help it though. I love my babies! But sometimes, I gotta work. Like today. Bennett was discharged at 11 a.m. and I had to relinquish baby care to Ace for several hours this afternoon so I could prepare for a phone conference this afternoon. Bennett, of course, survived and Ace took great care of him. It was hard though, getting my head into lawyer mode, when it was desperately longing to be in mommy mode.

I wonder if men feel this way? Do men agonize about whether or not they are spending enough quality time with their children?? Do men feel horrible guilt over wanting to pursue their own goals and dreams? Are women just hard-wired to feel this way?