Mommy Tracked

My career had been on my mind quite a bit the last several months.   There is a pull between my personal ambition and my role and responsibilities as a mommy that creates a state of constant conflict for me about this subject.  While I was enormously pregnant with Isla, I received a random phone call from a head hunter asking me if I would be interested in applying for a position with a firm that is looking for an associate with experience in medical malpractice defense.  My general philosophy is to follow these types of things and see if they go anywhere.  If they don't - no sweat.  Its good practice to keep your interview skills sharp and resume updated.  So, I interviewed and they loved me, but there was an issue about my burgeoning belly and the fact that I wouldn't be able to actually start working until March (this was October). 

So, that didn't work out.  But, it planted seeds in my head.  For one, I found out first hand exactly how underpaid I was for the work I did.  Second, it made me realize that I had become kind of lackidaisical and passive about my career.  Which, suited me just fine in the moment, but would end up royally screwing me long term.  I figured I probably ought to get the whole giving birth thing out the way first before I really pursued something new career-wise.  So, I did.  I gave birth and enjoyed my "maternity leave" (if you can call working 20+ hrs a week the whole time "leave"), and I eased back into my regular working mommy routine. 

But, I was pretty miserable.  I felt micromanaged, bored, taken advantage of.  I just wasn't happy where I was anymore.  Then one day, my boss came to me and asked me how I'd like the opportunity to be the lead attorney for a new client managing their collection work.  There were a lot of positive things that could come from it, so I said sure!  About a month later, boss man comes back to me and discusses the situation with me some more.  At this time, he tells me that his "vision" is that as I increase the amount of work I'm doing for this new client, I will gradually transition away from my other work I had been doing for the past 6 years - medical malpractice defense and complex litigation. 

Wow.  That took me by surprise.  I politely told my boss "thank you for this opportunity, but I want to be a med mal defense lawyer."  That's what I love.  That's what gets my blood pumping.  That's what makes the whole above-described daily conflict between mommy-Elle and lawyer-Elle almost worth it!  (Add on my huge student loan debt, and it tips the balance).  His response was that he felt this was the best "lifestyle" choice for me and my family at this time.  That being a trial lawyer is tough work and hard to do when you have young kids.  As if I didn't know this already...  Then he said that in his experience, only those people who have "nothing else" (read: children), ever become "great" trial lawyers.  Hm.....

So, I drove home screaming to my mom on the phone.  Frankly, I was pissed.  I didn't want to be a collections attorney (no offense if you are).  I had different dreams and aspirations.  And yes, its hard right now with three young children.  But they won't be young forever.  Taking this "detour" would ruin my chances of ever becoming a well-respected attorney in the field I DID want to make my "speciality" (although, lawyers aren't supposed to use that word).  I made the decision that night to launch a full-on job hunt.

That was a Friday.  Monday, I came into work as usual.  While I was in a deposition, another lawyer who does med mal defense commented that her firm was so busy, and asked if any of us knew of an associate with med mal experience looking for a job?  I told her, "I'll walk you to your car."  And the rest is history.  Of course, they adored me and offered me the job, and I accepted, and all is well and happy again. 

God literally dropped this job in my lap at exactly the right time.  It could not BE more perfect for me.  My two bosses are working mommies who know the challenges appertaining thereto.  The case work is amazing.  I'm given lots of breathing room to really spread my wings.  I'm loving it!

The moral of the story is - Ladies, don't let anyone box you in.  Stop telling yourselves all the reasons why you can't do this or that.  Bull cocky.  Go for your dreams.  Life is too short to sell yourself short!  And dammit - don't anyone dare mommy track me!

Cha-Cha-Cha-CHANGES!

Once again, I allow over two months to lapse in between posts.  After I promised I would never do such a thing ever again...  Tsk tsk.  But surely, if you allow me to explain the reason for my absence, you will understand. 

You see, in the last two months, I have made two VERY big changes. 

First, I left the firm I had worked at for the past six years!  I joined a new firm and have been happily working my tail off.  More on that later.  That deserves a separate post.

Second, we moved!  To a smaller house that will be much more manageable for our budget and my cleaning lady (yeah, that'd be me...).  But more importantly, to a better school district where Carter can attend public school!  (We really disliked the elementary school our prior house was zoned for and therefore shelled out major moulah to put him in private school for Kindergarten).  We're still settling in and there are a few unpacked boxes lying about here and there (and a washing machine in my dining room b/c we can't seem to get it to the basement....), but slowly but surely, we are making progress!!!  Its a quiet little neighborhood with lots of open space and kids!  This is my favorite thing about my new house - the back doors:

Summer has whizzed past me at lightening speed. I simply cannot believe that Carter goes back to school in just a little over a week!!!  I didn't accomplish half of what I intended to do this summer.  Oh well.  Keep looking forward, right? 

Summary - I've been busy as hell.  I'm starting to settle in.  I'll try to post more often. 

Organizher

About two or so years ago, I came up with this BRILLANT business plan that involved organizational products for for moms.  I got two of my besties involved in the project with me and we were plotting to launch Organizher.  Love the play on words?  Yep, that was my genius.

Well, babies started coming and our lives just got busier and busier and the business never took off.  I still haven't given up on it though.  One day....right?

From time to time, I like to escape the house after the kidlets are in bed and wander around Target for some "me" time.  On one such trip, not so long ago, I stumbled across this:

That's right!  Mead STOLE my business name!!!!!  And worse yet, they trademarked it!! 

Yeah, yeah, I know I didn't actually do much with the business other than buy the domain name (ha ha ha!  Take that, Mead!), but I still feel violated!  Now, I have to think up a new name!

But, being a Type-A personality and always looking for ways to be better organized, I couldn't resist picking up a few of the products to try out myself.  And you know what?  I really like them!

I use this pull-away note pad to keep everyone's schedules and our meals organized:

And this notebook to keep track of my daily To-Do's and things to remember:

And because I'm very unselfish, I decided to pass on this tip to my dear friends.  Seriously, you should check out this line of products. 

Mead even has some printable templates on their website for you to download and print off.  Otherwise, this line is sold at Target.  Happy organizing all!

Why I Chose: To Work

For a while now, I've been thinking about starting a series of posts on occassion about why I chose to do certain things.  Over six years into motherhood now, I am well-acquainted with the Mommy Wars.  Its not simply confined to working v. staying at home, it touches on EVERYTHING we moms have to make choices about - breastfeeding v. formula feeding, extended rear-facing v. early turning, co-sleeping or not, and the list goes ON and ON and ON.  Of course, I think MY way is the best way for me.  That is why I chose it.  But some people get this idea that if you feel passionate about your own personal choice, that it means you look down on and cast judgment about their opposing choice.  To be honest, as long as your kid is being cared for, I don't really care what you chose to do.  I have too much going on in my own life to stick my nose into other's business. 

I think a more productive use of these conversations (rather than getting offended or feeling high and mighty) would be to really LISTEN to each other and why each one of us makes the choices that we do.  Only then can you begin to understand the nuances and differences in each woman's life and family dynamic.  Only then can we move from sparring with each other in an attempt to constantly one-up each other (and I'm still trying to figure out what the "prize" is for winning), to supporting each other.  Because what it boils down to is:  motherhood is a hard, yet beautiful, job.  We can ALL learn from each other.

So, to kick off this series, I thought I'd start with an issue that was put on center stage for me recently:  Why I Chose to Work.

Now, I should put it out there from the start that it really isn't much of a "choice" per se.  While there once was a time in my life when I could have afforded to stay at home, that is not my situation now (at least not without some MAJOR consequences and lifestyle adjustment to subsistence living).  My family needs my income and my benefits from my employment.  If I were offered an opportunity to be a stay at home mom for a few years, I think I would jump on it.  But that simply is not my reality.  So, I am going to embrace this as a "choice" rather than a prison sentence, and make the most of it!  In so doing, I am going to focus on the positives (because I'm like that).

(in no particular order...)

#1 - I think being a well-rounded woman makes me a better mom.  Kids benefit from a little space.  No one needs a helicopter mom!  Having something that I do away from my kids gives them that space.  And it gives ME diversion.  I would go crazy if all I did was obsess over my kids 24/7.  Of course, working isn't the only way to do this.  The same objective can be met through volunteer activities, hobbies, clubs, etc.  I just don't want my children to see only one dimension of me:  mom.  I want them to see that I am mutli-dimensional.  And that includes my career.  I happen to like my career.  I want them to see that.

#2 - I know that if anything were to happen to my husband, I would be able to provide for my children.  Oh, and I guess this would be a good place to say I have over $100K in student loans to pay back from law school.  Small point. 

#3 - My children benefit from being cared for by others and the structure that comes from that environment.  I tried my darndest to provide a "mimic" of this environment for Bennett while I was home with him on maternity leave, but failed miserably!  He begged me daily to take him to school.  He LOVES the structure, activities and friends at school.  Bennett stayed at home for the first 2.5 years.  Once he started preschool, he BLOSSOMED.  We saw a measurable difference in his mood, his behavior and his development!  Peer pressure can be positive!  He also formed valuable bonds with his caretakers.  Isla too - She LOOOOVES her teachers - it is so sweet!!!

#4 - Spending time away from the kids makes me really appreciate the time I DO have with them!  I get so excited to come home every day to see my babies.  Because of this, I am able to really focus on them 100% and give them quality time and attention.  I'm sure some stay at home moms are able to do this well, but I really struggled with this when I was at home.  I was constantly trying to conquer another task on the to-do list and had a hard time focusing on being present with the kids.  And heck - *I* need structure too!

#5 - Its nice to pee alone at least once a day.  And to have a complete thought.  At home, there is at least one child hanging off me 24/7.  I don't even get to sleep sans kids!  I'm not "complaining" about that per se, but no one is going to tell you they don't enjoy a solo trip to the potty every once in a while. 

#6 - I like having a sense of accomplishment.  This is a totally selfish point, but one I think is undervalued by women.  I was reading President George W. Bush's new book Decision Points and was struck by something he said in there - While explaining to their 17 year old daughters that his decision to run for president was not to ruin their lives, he told them that this was his and Laura's way of living THEIR lives.  As parents, we all want our children to dream big.  We want them to live life to the fullest!  We tell them you can be or do ANYTHING you put your mind to.  Can't we do that too, as parents?  If not, then aren't we lying to our children?  And what type of message are we sending our daughers? 

Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, I fully acknowledge that what some people want is to be full time moms, and that is in and of itself a very worthy goal.  If I raise happy, healthy, God-fearing and society-contributing children - THAT will be my greatest accomplishment of my life.  My point is - go for your dreams!  Your children will learn by example. 

So, in sum...if I had the opportunity, I would take a few years to stay at home while my kids are little and still want me in their hair.  But since I can't, there are still plenty of good reasons to stay in the work force and make the most of it.  I refuse to let myself be rendered guilt-stricken.  I'm going to focus on the PROS and take whatever steps I can to minimize the cons (i.e. optimize the quantity and quality of time I DO spend with my children and make sure I'm there when it COUNTS). 

So, ladies - what are your "reasons" for working or staying home?  What is your "ideal" situation?

Isn't It Ironic?

Isn't it ironic ...

*  That every time you put a clean cover on the changing pad, the baby immediately finds a way to soil it?  The same thing goes for new sheets on the bed.

*  That every time your kid swears to you he's so sick he is DYING and you rush him to the pediatrician or emergency room, once you get there he is all of a sudden fine?

*  That every time you finally get the laundry completely DONE, the kids change into pajamas and the laundry bins are half full again (and in this situation, half full does not connote optimism)?

*  That without fail, your toddler manages to have an accident, or your baby a blow out, the one time you forget to shove a spare outfit into the diaper bag?

*  How kids ONLY ever seem to puke on MOM???

*   That every time your child swears he's looked everywhere for his shoes, homework, special toy, etc., it ends up being right where you told him it was in the first place?  Selective blindness maybe?

And the list goes on and on.  Its enough to drive any mother to repeatedly bang her head against the wall.  Oh, the joys.....

The Birth of Isla Michelle

Better late (i.e. nearly 5 months later...) than never, right?  I'll be honest, the last five months have been a whirlwind.  I worked through most of my maternity leave, then returned to work full-time at 10 weeks post-partum, Bennett was hospitalized for a week in April, and well...life with three kids is just plain HECTIC.  So, forgive me.  But I have to share this story.  I think it is even more poignant to me now than it was in the immediate aftermath.  I've made no secret that my first two births scarred me - literally and emotionally.  I wanted so badly to have a healthy, HAPPY birth with Isla, and I accomplished that.  This baby girl has healed me in so many ways.

Its a loooong story (yes, feel free to pity me), so hang in there.  On to the narrative:

Thursday, December 23

I went to the OB and was really feeling discouraged. The week before, I was told I was 2.5 and 80%. This OB said I was much more like a 2 with a lot of length still. WTF? That's like NO progress since 30 weeks!!! She asked me if I wanted my membranes stripped. I said, if she thinks it will help, sure, but if not, then let's wait because it would be much more effective the following week. She said she wouldn't do an "aggressive" strip, just see if she could help loosen it up some. She really doubted it would start my labor though, and said to tell the OB I saw next week to strip me "really good." With vbacs, there is much more concern about going overdue as the success rates are shown to decrease significantly at that point, and obviously there are very limited options for induction. She didn't think it was a big deal, but she said she didn't want another doc freaking out on me for going post dates. So, I left the appointment really frustrated.

So, I go home feeling conflicted - glad that I would not likely have the baby in the middle of the holiday, but just ready to be done and afraid of having to deal with going over due. That afternoon, I started to get REALLY crampy. Not contractions per se, but yucky menstrual like cramping.


Friday, December 24

When I woke up on Christmas Eve morning, I started to feel like something was brewing. The cramps were growing more intense. I spent the day cleaning and organizing. My parents arrived from Kentucky. We get ready to go the 4:00 mass. Right before the mass, I start having super painful contractions with the cramps. They aren't super close, but they are getting really "deep" and intense. The entire night, the contractions start to grow closer bit by bit and more painful. We had our celebration with Ace's family that night and everyone kept telling me I was going into labor - I just had that "look." Around 11:30 pm, I try to go bed. I couldn't lie in bed to save my life. I was having contractions every 5-6 mins and I couldn't stand to lie down through them. I was like "great...of course she's going to come NOW, and I'll miss Christmas morning with my kids!" So, I "slept" in the glider in the nursery all night in between the contractions and tried to focus on relaxing and trying to keep the contractions from getting closer.

Saturday, December 25
Christmas morning, I decided to wake the kids up at 7 a.m. to open presents b/c the contractions are 5-6 min apart at this point and requiring concentration to get through them. We had a nice Christmas morning, and I was so glad she held off. The entire day, my contractions ranged from 5-8 min apart at various points.  My mom helped keep me distracted by playing Gin-Rummy and making me walk on the treadmill - ha!  It was starting to get really exhausting, especially since I really hadn't slept more than a few minute snipits the night before. I was contemplating calling my doctor to see if something was "wrong" that could be keeping me from going into active labor, or if I could take something to help me at least sleep. Then, around 9 p.m., my contractions almost completely STOPPED. I was about to lose my mind at this point. I just started crying. I lied down to try to sleep. I was still contracting, but every 15 minutes. BUT, the contractions were more intense than anything I had ever had up to this point. I couldn't stay in bed through them. I posted on Facebook about my frustration. Everyone suggested getting in the shower. Honestly, that was the LAST thing I felt like doing at the moment. I just didn't feel like getting wet. I just wanted to SLEEP!!!

But, I figured what the hell, and got in the shower. Wow. Almost immediately, my contractions picked up to every 3-5 minutes apart. I yelled to Ace to come in the bathroom to time them. It was funny actually because he was playing Starcraft and was super annoyed that I was interrupting him. But after he saw a few come super close, he decided it was time to log off. After this lasted 30 mins, I called my OB and told him what was up. Since I had a far drive and there was a forecast for bad weather, he told me to come in and they'd see if it was real. I honestly fully expected the contractions to stop again. But no. Every 5 minutes like clock work the entire drive there!!! I wanted to kill Ace, as it seemed like he was taking every curve extra tight and hitting every pot hole along the way!

Sunday, December 26

My last belly pic - Still able to smile!

We got there at 12:05 a.m. I thanked Isla for NOT having a Christmas birthdate.  There was only 1 other mom in labor at the time. I go into triage, and I fully expected her to tell me that I'm a 2. Nope. She said I'm a 4.5 conservatively, but probably more like a 5 and almost completely effaced. Baby was still high at -1 though. They get me checked in to my L&D room. My nurse comes in and I immediately do not like her. She is Chinese and hard to understand, and just brash. She asked me if I had a birth plan, and I gave it to her. She said "most moms who say they don't want an epidural end up getting it, and right now is the ideal time if you are going to get it." I said no thanks. Then I hear her talking to my OB in the hall say "Another one who thinks she's going natural." B!t(#. So, I didn't like her the rest of the night.

My doc checked me and said I was a good 6 and 100%. I was feeling SO confident at this point. I was handling the contractions pretty well. I felt like I really could do this. I knew transition was going to hit soon and was mentally preparing myself. Sure enough, within an hour, the contractions were about 2 minutes apart, and it seemed like they would come two at a time before I'd get a break. So, the nurse sees this on the monitor and comes in and checks me and I'm 7 cm. I was SO psyched!! I felt like I was handling it really well. I knew that this meant my baby was really close, as transition generally lasts 1-2 hours, right? Well, after an hour of this, the nurse checks me again and I'm STILL a 7. I was disappointed, frustrated, but determined not to let it get me down. No big deal... But over the next hour, I was starting to really struggle with it. I'd been in transition about 3 hours at this point! They check me again and I'm STILL 7. I started to lose it. I could take it 1 contraction at a time, I knew that. But I mentally couldn't handle the thought of HOURS more of this.

I asked the nurse if I could get an IV narcotic to help calm me down because I was starting to get panicky feeling. Nope, she said it was too late. My only option was an epidural. I said no, I don't want it. But I was really starting to doubt my self at this point. Each contraction that came after that, I started to lose control more and more. I started to hyperventilate and tremble and felt literally like I as spinning out of control. My mom did an excellent job of helping me to refocus, but every time I'd panic, Isla's heart rate would go super low then super high. The nurse came in and said I really needed to focus on BREATHING b/c the baby wasn't liking it. I tried my darndest, I really did, but every few contractions, I'd lose it again and go into an anxiety attack. Finally, I said F it. Give me the epidural. I can't do this. I really couldn't.

As soon as my moms left the room, I spiraled out of control. I turned into one of those crazy shrieking women you make fun of on TV. It was nuts. But I got the epidural and was able to at least calm down. The epidural was no walk in the park though. It gave me major shakes and I still felt the contractions enough to have to really work to concentrate through them. My OB came in to check me and I'm STILL 7 cm. I was so glad at that point that I got the epidural. She recommended breaking my water, as she thought that was preventing the baby from descending and stalling my dilation. Ok.

As soon as she broke my water, Isla's HR went way low. They tried positioning me a million different ways, but the only way she would tolerate it was flat on my back. Again, I was REALLY glad I got the epi at this point because there was NO way I would have been able to lie flat on my back through this, and I'd have been off to a c-section for sure. I didn't get the rest I'd hope for with the epi though because I was panicking at every decel she had and was shaking like a leaf. I also had a "window" in my left hip where the epi didn't work at all, and I had the most intense stabbing pain there with each contraction. I had one mom putting her weight on my shoulders to help stop the shaking and the other one pushing my hip in!  Thank God for them!

I cannot tell you the sheer RELIEF I felt when the nurse told me I was complete!! I was so scared for Isla at this point and just wanted her OUT safely. Her HR was in the 100-120 range the last few hours. She had me do a few practice pushes, telling me to push into my butt. Only problem was, I couldn't FEEL my butt!  I asked her to turn the epi off or at least down, but she wouldn't. I never got the urge to push. That made it really difficult. Fortunately, because of the window in my hip, I could feel when a contraction came, but otherwise, I felt like I was pushing blind. My OB came in and helped me out tremendously. She pressed on my perineum so I had a focal point to push toward. Unfortunately, because of the HR issues, I had no choice but to push flat on my back, which felt SO unnatural. But I guess it wasn't too bad because it only took me 25 minutes to push her out!!! Once her head started to emerge, I felt the ring of fire, and that was all the motivation I needed to get her OUT!

It had been my wish to let the cord stop pulsing before cutting, but I knew something was up when she made me stop so she could cut the cord before delivering the rest of her. It only took one push after that, and they put her on my chest. It was the most incredible feeling ever. I just held on to her so tight. She as soo warm!! I just started bawling. I can't even put into words what I felt at this moment!! It was a confluence of a sense of awe of what had just happened, this little creature, everything!

Awestruck!

Unfortunately, she wasn't breathing, so they had to take her to the warmer pretty quickly. They got her breathing there but she was breathing really fast and having retractions, which meant she was having to work too hard to breathe. And her heart rate was very irregular. They started her on oxygen and called the NICU. The Neonatologist came in pretty quickly and looked her over. He explained to me what happens sometimes when a baby has a tight nuchal cord in utero, it can cause acid to build up in their blood stream. This caused her to have respiratory distress at birth. So, they took her to the NICU to give her some IV meds to help flush out the acid and kept her on O2 for a while until she was able to breath well on her own. I was obviously pretty upset by this all. How ironic - I get a termie and she still goes to the NICU! The nurse told the Neo about Bennett so the Neo said they could do her weight and measurements in the room with me and let me hold her for a few minutes before transferring to the NICU. I really really appreciate that!!!

She was 7 lbs 6 oz and 20 1/4'' long.  Her AGARS were 5/6/8.

Needing a little extra oxygen

Daddy talking to his girl!

The epidural wore off pretty quickly, but my right leg stayed totally numb for several hours.  So, they wheeled me to the post-partum room and told me to sleep.  After being awake for the past 50+ hours, 41 hours of which were spent in labor, they didn't have to tell me twice.  I was OUT and slept the deepest sleep I think I've ever had in my entire life.  When I woke up, I hopped out of bed and declared I was ready to go see my baby!  I walked down to the NICU (which AMAZED me because I didn't walk for at least 24 hours after the boys were born) and found my baby girl sleeping soundly in a warmer, with the blood and amniotic contents still matted in her hair even!  She was doing GREAT so they let me nurse her and she took to it immediately like an old pro.  Then we gave her a MUCH needed bath.  I felt like I was high on happy juice the whole time!

Chillin' in the NICU

By 6 pm they let her come over to the post partum ward with me and has been FINE ever since. She's a beautiful girl and pretty easy. But according to Carter, she has "big attitude" when she's upset, lol. I ADORE her.

Big Brothers meeting their Lil Sis!

She is my little girl - something that has taken on a meaning I could have never imagined.  She is perfect in everyway.  I thank God for her.  Beyond just being amazing in her own right - she has literally healed me from the traumas I carried from Carter and Bennett's births.  It was not a perfect birth.  I was a little disappointed that I didn't go 100% natural.  But I went full term.  And I got to hold her on my chest when she was born.  And she is perfectly healthy.  So, in the end, it was MY perfect, imperfect birth. 

I can't help but whine.

As of yesterday, I am 38 weeks pregnant.  I know I shouldn't complain since I have 2 weeks until my due date.  But darnit, I'm going to complain anyway.

I'm just READY to have this baby. 

I'm huge.

I'm swollen.

I keep throwing up.

I think my tail bone is dislocated, as I have an annoying "clicking" with every step.

My back hurts.  A lot.

I have false/prodromal labor ALL.THE.TIME.   Contractions strong enough to make me grimace and wake me up at night.  Yet, the moment I start to think "this could be it!" - they stop.  Damnit!

I'm sore all over from said contractions.

I sleep like crap.  Restless leg syndrome.  And it hurts to sleep on my left side now, which is the ONLY way I can sleep. 

I'm cranky.  REALLY cranky. 

But really - I just WANT MY BABY!!!!!!!  I cannot wait to meet her.  I honestly never thought I'd be pregnant this long.  And now, I feel like there is no end in sight! 

I know... no woman has ever been pregnant forever.  It could happen any minute.  But that is little consolation these days.

The not-pregnant me would get annoyed with a 38-week pregnant woman whining the way I do.  But, hey - its my right to be hypocritical! 

Ok, whine over.  Back to work.  Must keep my mind busy...

I did it!!! TERM!!!

As of December 5, 2010, I am officially 37 weeks and FULL TERM!!!!!

I was told at the beginning of this pregnancy that because of the reasons for my son Bennett's preterm birth, I had a 30% chance of giving birth prematurely again.   Now, 30% sounds really high when you are talking about your baby!!!  I'll admit, I was a nervous wreck. 

And it wasn't exactly smooth-sailing.  I did have some issues with pre-term labor, including a stint in Labor and Delivery at 28 weeks where I had to be given Terbutaline to stop my 4-minutes-apart contractions that caused me to start dilating and effacing.  The doctor gave me a stern warning that I was "very high risk" for delivering preterm and should take all precautions necessary to keep my contractions under control.  I have a very irritable uterus though, so controling the contractions was a difficult task.  By 32 weeks, I was 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced.  And a nervous wreck.  But the weeks kept passing by and I was still pregnant!!!

So, with several lifestyle restrictions (no lifting over 10 lbs, no exercise beyond light walking, etc.), 19 weekly injections of hydroxyprogeterone into my bum, and 8 cervial surveillance ultrasounds, I did it - I made it to term!!!

Making it this far stirred up a whole pot of emotions.  If I didn't realize before how EARLY 30 weeks is to be born, feeling the difference between 30 and 37 weeks with this pregnancy made it very real.  I am just so happy and thankful to know that Miss Isla won't have to suffer the way her brother did.  I am happy to know she has the best start in life - every baby deserves that! 

As we were counting down the hours until I hit 37 weeks (and yes, I did stay up until midnight!) and it became obvious by 6:00 p.m. of 36w6d that she wasn't coming that evening, I turned to my husband and said "Aren't you so happy we changed our minds and decided to have another baby??"  You see, for a long while after Bennett was born, there was no way I would even contemplate risking having another baby.  I just couldn't go through it again, and I couldn't put another baby through that.  Obviously, I changed my mind.  And I'm so glad I did.  Because, even though she isn't here yet, I cannot even imagine never having Isla. 

FULL TERM BABY!!!!!

A SHOWERING of love

Now, we shall not call this a "shower" as it is apparently taboo to have a shower for any baby but your first.  Yes, ma'am Ms. Emily Post.   However, 'round these parts, it has become common to have "sprinkle" for subsequent babies - a smaller and more intimate celebration of an impending birth.  When my good friend "AA" offered to host one of these shindigs for me, I gladly accepted!  I was very excited - not for gifts really - but to have an opportunity to share my blissful anticipation of my little girl with my close friends and family!

AA organized a beautiful, yet intimate, event at a local restaurant that specializes in Greek food.  She served plates full of delicious hors d'ouvres and made these adorable little cloth diaper favors with girly colored M&M's inside.  I had SUCH a wonderful time visiting and chatting with everyone!  Its hard to find time in our busy lives to get together, so it was a cherished opportunity! 

Unfortunately, we were all having SUCH a good time, that no one remembered to take photos!  Here are the lonely three photos that were taken:

My eyes grew wide as the gift table disappeared from view underneath bags and boxes of pink and purple wrapping.  I was NOT expecting this.  At all.  Now, I must say that the #1 culprit here is without a doubt my best friend Melissa.  She is an over achiever.  And an over-giver.  She is SO excited for a little girl to be born (we currently have 4 boys between us) into our crew that she went a little crazy - shoes, hair accessories, bottles, baby medicine, baby wash, a Fisher-Price Newborn Rock 'n Play Sleeper, Yellow, burp rags, Aden & Anais Oh Girl! Swaddle Wrap 4 Pack, and oodles of clothes!!!! 

I also received several beautiful hand-made gifts, including gorgeous painted bird houses from my mom and sister, a needle-pointed blanket from my mom, and a knit hat from a friend!

My other friends also inundated us with wonderful and thoughtful gifts as well.  As I walked out of the restaurant that night, I could not think of a single thing I had left to buy before baby girl arrived!!  I was overwhelmed by the generosity.  It may have been called a "sprinkle" but we were literally showered with love!

Half Baked

In honor of Prematurity Awareness Month, I snagged a copy of this new book Half Baked from the library.  Now, I don't have much time, or energy, to read these days for pleasure.  But, I ripped through this book in less than a week!

The author is the mom of a 25-weeker who chronicles the challenges of her pregnancy, hospital bed rest, delivery and her daughter's journey through the NICU.  It was great to read the "inner thoughts" of someone else who has been through a very similar experience.  And our stories have many eery parallels.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is a NICU mom! 

I do have some criticisms though.  First, the author seems to resort to using her thesaurus too much, plugging in $.25 words in ways that do not flow naturally.  I mean, really, the word "soporific" shouldn't appear more than once in a book of this length.  I felt it detracted from her otherwise witty and "light" prose that made the book enjoyable (and easier to swallow given the gravity of its subject matter).  

Second, the author threw some stinging jabs at moms of preemies who weren't as sick or as premature as her daughter - as if our experiences weren't "bad enough."  I don't think it was her intention, and I can relate on many levels to what she was saying.  Its hard to be sympathetic when you are in the throes of the NICU toward moms of babies who were born weeks later than yours, and whose only "challenge" is to overcome some apnea or reflux issues.  When you are in that hell, those things seem trivial compared to the challenge of simply trying to get your baby to BREATHE on their own.  However, one mom's experience shouldn't diminish anothers.  You really cannot compare preemies.  I know I felt jealousy and resentment whenver I would hear of a baby who was Bennett's gestational age or younger who was doing better than he was.  Silly really.  I should be HAPPY that another baby isn't struggling as much as mine!  But, the NICU can make you a bit psychotic.  Regardless, I am assuming the book was intended to appeal to a wide-range of preemie-parents.  If were me I'd have softened that discussion a little more. 

Anyway - its still a great book, and it was great to hear that I'm not the only crazy psychotic preemie mom out there.  Read it!

From the Mouths of Babes

Dominga Pacson Reyes

May 12, 1910 to October 29, 2010

Very early this morning, Ace's maternal grandmother passed away.  She was 100 years, 6 months and 2 weeks old.  We knew the end was coming near, and the entire family gathered last night at the hospital to be with her. 

I took Carter into his Great Lola's hospital room for what I felt would probably be his last goodbye.  He asked me if he could touch her, and I said go ahead.  He went up to her, took her hand in his, and just held it and rubbed it for several minutes.  He said "Feel better Great Lola" and we left.  We'd been talking about death with Carter over the past week to prepare him.  He had asked a lot of questions and seemed to understand.

At 12:11 a.m. Great Lola passed away.  This morning when Carter woke up, Ace and I told him the news.  At first, he seemed a little stunned, processing that she really was gone.  Then, he smiled a big bright smile and said "Today is her first day in heaven!  She is with Jesus now!"

Our precious little five year old son understood perfectly.  While we are very sad that she will no longer be with us and will miss her presence, we should also celebrate!  While we on earth are mourning, she is embarking on her new life.  Her everlasting life through the Lord! 

Two Months 'Til Christmas

Today is October 25th.  EEEKK!!!! 

The winter holidays are a stressful and busy time for us under normal circumstances.  But this year, it is even moreso considering the fact that I'm DUE to have a BABY the day AFTER Christmas. 

The tricky thing about babies is you have NO idea when they are going to come.  I'll be term (37 weeks) on December 5th, so anytime after that is fine by me!  Although, I really would like her to come in the year 2010.  You know, tax breaks and all.  Nothing to do with the fact that the idea of going overdue is less than appealing....

Actually, I don't want her to come ON Christmas either.  Let's face it, you can't compete with Jesus' birthday, no matter how cute you are. 

I do fear, though, that she will come on say December 23rd and we'll still be in the hospital on Christmas!  Given that I have two little boys at home eagerly awaiting the jolly old elf already, that would be very disappointing!  But fear not - I do have a back-up plan.  IF Isla comes with such comedic timing, then I will have Carter send an "emergency" letter to Santa telling him to come back the next available day.  Yeah...that's the best I've got!

So, my goal for Christmas shopping is to have it all done and wrapped BY Thanksgiving this year.  To accomplish that goal, I think Ace and I will just have to schedule a "date" night and go to Toys R Us and hit them up in one trip and take it all back to his office for a wrapping spree. 

But what about Christmas cards?  I'm thinking I'll just skip that this year.  Its just too complicated.  If I send one out with just a picture of the two boys and then Isla does come before Christmas, then I'll feel badly she wasn't included.  Besides, I'll be turning around and sending out birth announcements shortly thereafter.  Maybe I can make the announcement dual-purpose...

And should I buy her a Christmas dress "just in case"??  I know - everyone is saying I won't want to bother with dressing up a newborn.  But what about the photo op????  

Ok, now my head is spinning.  It's too much.  I think my ultimate goal is to give birth, survive, make sure my kids have a magical Christmas, and if anything else gets done on top of that - bonus.  So, if you don't get a Christmas-Card-Birth-Announcement from me with a picture of my three kids in coordinating outfits, you'll know I'm just surviving.  And that should be enough holiday cheer - don't you think?

Isla's Nursery

After two boys, I cannot even begin to tell you the fun I've been having preparing for a little girl!!  I wavered back and forth between using the same nursery set I had for the boys (Pottery Barn Kids Chamois Lambie) because it was gender neutral, or splurging a bit and redecorating the nursery in a more feminine pattern.  I figured, this is my last baby, my only girl, I should enjoy it!!

Right now, the nursery is basically a storage room while we work on combining the boys into one room.  Lots of organizing and purging still to be done.  But I couldn't wait for the "finished product" (which in all honesty may be weeks or months coming still) to share with you the nursery plans!!

I definitely did not want a Pepto-Bismol pink nursery.  I like pink.  In small doses.  So, when I saw the Penelope nursery bedding from Pottery Barn Kids with its combination of various shades of pink with yellow and green, I was in love!  Plus, I kind of have a "thing" for birds. 

The walls will be painted a pale yellow, and we'll hang the quilt on the wall above the changing table/dresser.  There is one "empty" wall where I plan to put this fun wall decal:

I scored a used (but very good condition) hot pink/light pink blended chenille oval rug with a wide green edging off of Craigs List for PENNIES compared to the $300 the same rug sells for retail!

For the closet, I found these adorable clothing dividers on Etsy!

Sure, what's IN the closet is trivial, but I love details!

I do plan on reusing the same curtains from the boys' nursery, and they just so happen to coordinate pretty perfectly!

Above the crib, I will paint wooden letters to match spelling out her name.  And if I get reallllllly ambitious (i.e. am successful at convincing my husband to do it), I may make a few bird houses painted to coordinate to hang on that wall too!

Considering she'll be here in 10 weeks or less, I better get hopping on this massive project!!!  Keep a look out for photos!

My MUST HAVES for a Newborn!

With the impending arrival of a new little bundle of joy, I've been frantically scrambling to accumlate all the accoutrement necessary for survival. 

O.k, ok., all you really need for a baby is some clothes, a boob, a carseat, and a safe place for them to sleep.  But, I've found along the way that there are a few other items that certainly make life with a newborn a wee bit more bearable. 

Fisher-Price Cradle Swing WITH an A/C Adapter


There are many swings out there on the market, but the one swing that all my mommy friends have reported success with is the Fisher-Price Cradle Swing.  There are a variety of "styles" to choose from.  It can swing both side-to-side (a unique feature particular to this swing, which both of my boys preferred) or front-to-back.  This was the perfect solution for my nap-resistant babies, and the ONLY way I got any sleep when they were going through periods of day and night confusion!  This is one item I honestly do not think I could have lived without!

Back when my boys were itty bitty, they didn't make them with A/C adapters to plug into the wall outlet.  So, we burned through endless batteries.  I donated our old swing and found one for Isla on Craigs List (for $45 - **patting myself on the back**) that DOES plug in!  This new feature is a must!


Dr. Browns Wide-Neck Bottles

I have a love-hate relationship with these bottles.  YES - they do have a gazillion pieces that have to be washed and sanitized.  BUT - I have not found a bottle that vents better than this baby does!  A bottle (if you use bottles at all) with a good venting system is a God-send if your baby is the least bit colicky or has any degree of reflux!  Its worth the extra effort to wash and assemble all the parts.  Trust me.  These bottles are BPA-free as well.
 
I also like the Born Free Wide Neck Bottles, Twin Pack, 9-Ounce, but they are considerably more expensive and have just as many parts.  They are another good option. 




Medela Microwave Sterlizer Bags

Talk about a time-saver!!!  These sterilizer bags are a time-saving way to sterilize bottle and pump parts!  While you don't really need to sterilize all the bottle parts after three months of age, I always continued to sterilize the nipple anyway. 

I also use these bags after pumping at work to sterilize my pump parts.  They fold up compactly and fit easily into my pump bag.  Each bag can be used up to 20 times and takes only 3 minutes to use! 







White Noise Machine

When Carter was a baby, I had this problem where I would put him down for a nap, and he'd be awake again minutes later.  I was ready to gouge my eyes out when I stumbled upon a miracle cure for this problem - white noise.  One day, I just happened to be blow drying my hair near where he was "napping" and discovered that he actually was staying asleep.  As soon as I finished, he woke right up.  So I turned the hair dryer back on and wah lah! he slept soundly the entire time it was on - way longer than he ever slept without it! 

Let me tell you - I burned through two hair dryers and tripped countless numbers of electrical breakers before a kind mommy friend pointed out to me that they actually make devices that replicate this sound for you!  What a life (and energy bill) saver!!!!  Both of my boys sleep amazing well with white noise, and still use it to this day!  This is one thing I recommend to all first-time moms way in advance.  A total MUST HAVE.

A Ring Sling
Babies like to be held.  A lot.   As in, all the time.  I didn't discover the miraculousness of sling-wearing until Bennett was born.  I purchased one in advance of his birth on the advice of experienced mommy friends who said its great for nursing #2 while still attending to the needs of #1.  It turned out to be even MORE useful for me with Bennett because not only did I have to carry around a baby, I had to tote around a heavy apnea monitor and oxygen tank as well. 

The benefits to baby of baby-wearing are numerous - just Google it.  But the benefit to mom of keeping your newborn close, safe, and happy while running around the house, cooking dinner, roaming the store, etc. is something no study can document! 

I should caution you, however, that recently there have been warnings about suffocation risk with the use of slings.  For that reason, I recommend wearing the baby upright (as shown in the picture above), in a "froggy" position - this position is totally safe.  This also happened to be Bennett's favorite position as well!


There you have it - my MUST HAVES for a newborn!  Mommies - what are YOURS???

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

I must say, I'm slightly flattered at how many of my blog readers have asked me lately why I've gone MIA from this blog!  To be honest - I just got overwhelmed and needed to take a break.  After all, raising two very energetic boys, gestating a sweet little girl through a high-risk pregnancy, and working full-time as layer is a bit to chew for even the best of us.  Or, so I tell myself. 

So, how about a review of the "highlights" from the past few months -

Carter started Kindergarten and LOVES it!!!!

Bennett started preschool and LOVES it!!!!

I am currenlty 29 weeks pregnant with a little girl to be named Isla Michelle!!!

Ace has been pouring his heart and soul into growing and expanding his company.

The next few months are bound to be busy and exciting times for us.  The benefit of my sabatical from blogging is that its given me some time to come up with some kick-butt content to write about!  I hope you enjoy and thanks for bringing me back to the blogosphere!

18 Weeks!

We're trucking right along in the gestational department! I am 18 weeks pregnant today. The baby is now approximately 5.5 inches long and weighs about 1/2 a lb - about the size of a sweet potato!
The 1/2 lb baby doesn't quite account for the 10 lbs I've gained thus far though! Ooops :) Because my BMI was on the higher end for normal when I got pregnant, I really should not gain more than 25 lbs total. That's a little scary...

I'm feeling pretty good these days. I rarely have morning sickness anymore - only about once or twice a week! I have tons more energy during the day, but am still beat by early evening. I feel a lot of fetal movement, which I absolutely adore!!

I started the progesterone 17P shots this week. Despite all the hype leading up to it, it was easy peasy. I barely felt a thing. My bum was a tad sore for about two days afterward, but nothing to complain about.

This week upcoming is pretty exciting! Thursday morning, I have my anatomical ultrasound, where they take an in-depth look at the baby's organs and take all of its measurements to make sure everything is developing well. If the baby cooperates, we will also be able to find out the gender!! After that appointment, I am heading to a consultation with a midwife practice who may consider me as a patient for a vba2c!

Bennett's Toddler Bed - FINALLY done!

This past Spring, I discovered this awesome blog - http://www.knock-offwood.com/. The blogger is a stay at home mom in Alaska who designs and builds her own wood furniture. She generously creates plans and posts them on her blog for all of us to use and replicate! Her designs are inspired by some of my favorite stores - Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, etc. HEAVEN for me. However, other than a shop class I took in 7th grade, I had NO experience with woodworking! But, ever fearless, I embarked on this project -with the help of my husband of course. And let's be honest - he really did most of the work because stuff like saws and drills scare me a little bit. But, I will get there one day.

So, after obsessing over this blog for weeks (literally) I decided that our first project would be a toddler bed for our crib-jumping son Bennett. I printed off the plans and headed to Lowe's for the lumber. All in one day, we bought the supplies, made the cuts and assembled the head and foot boards!

The bed really was beautiful "naked" but I wanted to stain it to match the rest of Bennett's nursery furniture, which is Mahogany. That had to be put off to another day, and actually took several days and coats to get it perfect. Then I got pregnant. And sick. And nothing other than eating (sometimes) and sleeping (a lot) and breathing has really been accomplished since then!

So, we started this project on April 10th and completed it yesterday, on July 5th. We're real efficient, as you can see. But it is DONE. And I love it!

Bennett slept in it for the first time last night and did great! I was nervous that he would fall out because he's a hurricane when he sleeps, but he stayed in just fine!

We did learn a few important lessons in the process, however, that I feel I should pass on to you, should you decide you want to attempt a great feat such as this ;)

1. I learned that lumber doesn't actually measure what they are labled. A 1x6 board is actually only 5.5'' wide, not 6'' as the label would lead you to believe. This is important in figuring out measurements, obviously. Maybe this is common knowledge, but I had no idea.

2. Cut as you go. We pre-cut everything and that ended up being a mistake (albeit fixable) because some of the pieces didn't match up perfectly. So, we had to fix pieces here and there. When pieces go side-by-side, mark the cut for subsequent pieces off the first cut so they are all uniform.

3. When cutting, add on 1/8'' for the amount the saw takes off.

4. Double-check your plans before you start cutting. Sometimes there are small mistakes in plans and you want to catch that before you do anything permanent! For example, the plans we used from Knock-Off Wood were for a 26.5'' mattress, when a crib mattress is actually 28.5'' wide. I accomodated for this by using larger pieces of wood than plans called for, but fewer panels. Read the comments for each plan entry and see what others have to say - they often point out potential challenges and flaws in the plans!

5. Sand REALLY WELL. The finish is ALLLLLL in the sanding. An electrical sander is a must.

Next up - bunk beds for Carter!!!! He's been begging for bunk beds forever! Which will come in handy with Baby 3.0 makes her arrival and Bennett has to give up the nursery!

Shooting Up

Last week, I met with my Perinatologist (a doctor specializing in high risk pregnancies) to discuss our plan of attack to help prevent another preemie. Because I had a preterm premature rupture of membranes (pProm) with Bennett, there is a 31% chance that it will happen again. Now, that 31% figure comes from a study that looked at all moms with a history of pProm - which included known and unknown reasons and risk factors. We don't know why I ruptured so early with Bennett. It could have been a total fluke! Or, there could have been something going on that they could never find that caused it. But, its maddening because without knowning the cause, its very difficult to assess my true risk for a repeat pProm AND to take appropriate precautions to prevent it.

That said, even with known causes, its pretty diffficult to prevent pProm. The Perinatologist recommended weekly 17 p (hydroxyprogesterone) shots, bi-weekly ultrasounds of my cervix (because a common cause is "funneling" at the top of the cevix, leaving the amniotic sac unsupported), lifting no more than 10 lbs, and restricting exercise to light walking. I am also Group B Strep positive, and will be monitored for that and possible spread of infection throughout my pregnancy.

So, the next day, I go to my regular OB check up and report these recommendations to my doctor, who should be the one to prescribe and administer the shots for me. Despite my Perinatologist's recommendation for the shots, my OB was very resistant to it and was trying very hard to convince me that I did not need them.

The 17p shots were designed to help prevent preterm labor. They work by keeping the uterus calm, hoping to keep you from having any contractions. Since I was not having contractions when I came into the hospital after my "full" rupture, my OB said he doesn't think that was the cause of my rupture and therefore the shots won't help me.

That would make sense EXCEPT for the fact that I have a very irritable uterus in general. I have already been having contractions here and there with this pregnancy, and I'm still a few days away from 15 weeks! Furthermore, I actually started leaking fluid at 21 weeks - three weeks before I was admitted to the hospital. Who knows if I was contracting then or not! And the day that I ruptured, I was having contractions on and off the whole day. They weren't regular contractions, so I assumed they were Braxton Hicks - but WHO KNOWS!? The point is, we don't know. But if there is a chance these shots could help me prevent putting another baby through hell, I'm going to do it!

Then my OB had the nerve to say - "Yes, but you realize that this is an added cost [the co-pays] and pain and inconvenience for you?" Does the man not realize that I would hang from the ceiling by my ankles for the rest of my pregnancy if I thought it would keep this baby in? Does he think I care that it will hurt or cost $10 a week? He has obviously never had to sit at his child's bedside daily for nine weeks watching him struggle to breathe. I would do ANYTHING to keep that from happening to this baby.

I was already looking for a new provider before this happened, but now, I feel all the moreso that I need to do just that...

So, starting at 18 weeks, I get to have a shot in the bum every week. Fun, fun, fun! Now, all I need are volunteers to administer them....

Hellooooooo Second Trimester!!

I am now 14.5 weeks pregnant! That means I'm now in the second trimester - woot!!!

The Lord has blessed me with a "normal" pregnancy this time - hallelujah! With Carter and Bennett, I was sick all day long throwing up my guts until 28 and 20 weeks respectively. This time, my morning sickness has greatly diminished with the onset of the second trimester - as the doctor always promised before but never delivered! Wow, it really DOES happen for some people! I still get nauseous and sometimes sick in the evenings, but that's NOTHING. I'm more tired in general - but that's to be expected growing a human being, working full time, and chasing after two crazy boys!!

Last week, I went for my first trimester screening and nuchal translucency ultrasound and to meet with my perinatologist. The purpose of the screening is to assess the baby's risk for having Downs Syndrome or a Trisomy. For the first part of the test, they measure the nuchal fold - the pocket of fluid behind the baby's neck. In general, they want to see this under 2.5 mm, and Baby 3.0's nuchal fold was measuring about 2.0 mm, which is really good! The spinal cord looked great (no evidence of spina bifida or other spinal cord defect)! And they also look for the presence of a nasal bone. Baby sure gave the tech a run for her money trying to get the right shot to make sure the nasal bone was present, but she did finally get it and the nasal bone was there!!

The second half of the screening is a blood test. Based on the blood test, my risk for Downs was lowered from 1:740 (based on my age) to less than 1:10,000, which is the lowest possible number!!! My risk for a Trisomy was lowered from 1:1400 (based on my age) to less than 10,000 as well. We would not terminate the pregnancy regardless, but we believe in being informed and prepared if we were to be faced with that challenge. We are VERY happy that our baby appears to be perfectly healthy thus far!

And, of course, we got some nice purdy pictures to hang on the fridge:

In case its not as obvious to you as it is to me, above you are looking at two profile pictures of the baby with the head on the right looking upward.

Here, you can see in the photo on the left, the butt, and part of an arm and hand. The photo on the right is the hand, which the tech said is the clearest picture of a hand she's ever seen at this early stage in pregnancy!

Turns out, Baby 3.0 is actually measuring in the 95th percentile for crown to rump length! So, it may be a little bigger than most 13.5 weekers are! The tech said the baby was about 4 inches long and weighed 2 ounces!

The tech also took a little peek-see between the legs and saw parts that look very distinctly female :) She said would say with 95% certainty that we're having a GIRL - but....its still early. So, we're condemned to suffer and wait until our next ultrasound on July 29th to see for sure. I'm so excited at the possibility of a little girl, but I'm also bracing myself for the possibility that the tech will say "oh well there is the penis - it must have been hiding." He he he.

That's all for now folks! I will try to update this blog more frequently! Especially now that I've seemingly rejoined the land of the living!

Ten Weeks

Ten weeks! That's 1/4 of the way through! Still feels pretty early in the process though. The baby is approximately the size of a prune now. As you can see (excuse the weird look on my face and disheveled hair), I'm getting quite big already! By the end of the day, I'm even bigger.

I had a prenatal appointment yesterday. Overall, it was uneventful, but we were able to find the baby's heart beat with doppler - in the 140s!

At my first appointment, they found Group B strep (a very common bacteria found in pregnant women) in my urine culture, so they re-tested me for that. Regardless, they will administer antibiotics during labor as a precaution to make sure the baby doesn't get infected.

I've gained 1.5 lbs according to my doctor's scale, which is the most I've gained at this point in pregnancy! In fact, I LOST with both the boys in the first trimester. The only way I keep the nausea and puking at bay this time is by constantly eating, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Next up on the baby agenda is the first trimester screening and nuchal translucency scan (to screen for things such as trisomies, downs, and spina bifida) on June 24th. So, things are kind of boring for now!