Why I Chose: To Work

For a while now, I've been thinking about starting a series of posts on occassion about why I chose to do certain things.  Over six years into motherhood now, I am well-acquainted with the Mommy Wars.  Its not simply confined to working v. staying at home, it touches on EVERYTHING we moms have to make choices about - breastfeeding v. formula feeding, extended rear-facing v. early turning, co-sleeping or not, and the list goes ON and ON and ON.  Of course, I think MY way is the best way for me.  That is why I chose it.  But some people get this idea that if you feel passionate about your own personal choice, that it means you look down on and cast judgment about their opposing choice.  To be honest, as long as your kid is being cared for, I don't really care what you chose to do.  I have too much going on in my own life to stick my nose into other's business. 

I think a more productive use of these conversations (rather than getting offended or feeling high and mighty) would be to really LISTEN to each other and why each one of us makes the choices that we do.  Only then can you begin to understand the nuances and differences in each woman's life and family dynamic.  Only then can we move from sparring with each other in an attempt to constantly one-up each other (and I'm still trying to figure out what the "prize" is for winning), to supporting each other.  Because what it boils down to is:  motherhood is a hard, yet beautiful, job.  We can ALL learn from each other.

So, to kick off this series, I thought I'd start with an issue that was put on center stage for me recently:  Why I Chose to Work.

Now, I should put it out there from the start that it really isn't much of a "choice" per se.  While there once was a time in my life when I could have afforded to stay at home, that is not my situation now (at least not without some MAJOR consequences and lifestyle adjustment to subsistence living).  My family needs my income and my benefits from my employment.  If I were offered an opportunity to be a stay at home mom for a few years, I think I would jump on it.  But that simply is not my reality.  So, I am going to embrace this as a "choice" rather than a prison sentence, and make the most of it!  In so doing, I am going to focus on the positives (because I'm like that).

(in no particular order...)

#1 - I think being a well-rounded woman makes me a better mom.  Kids benefit from a little space.  No one needs a helicopter mom!  Having something that I do away from my kids gives them that space.  And it gives ME diversion.  I would go crazy if all I did was obsess over my kids 24/7.  Of course, working isn't the only way to do this.  The same objective can be met through volunteer activities, hobbies, clubs, etc.  I just don't want my children to see only one dimension of me:  mom.  I want them to see that I am mutli-dimensional.  And that includes my career.  I happen to like my career.  I want them to see that.

#2 - I know that if anything were to happen to my husband, I would be able to provide for my children.  Oh, and I guess this would be a good place to say I have over $100K in student loans to pay back from law school.  Small point. 

#3 - My children benefit from being cared for by others and the structure that comes from that environment.  I tried my darndest to provide a "mimic" of this environment for Bennett while I was home with him on maternity leave, but failed miserably!  He begged me daily to take him to school.  He LOVES the structure, activities and friends at school.  Bennett stayed at home for the first 2.5 years.  Once he started preschool, he BLOSSOMED.  We saw a measurable difference in his mood, his behavior and his development!  Peer pressure can be positive!  He also formed valuable bonds with his caretakers.  Isla too - She LOOOOVES her teachers - it is so sweet!!!

#4 - Spending time away from the kids makes me really appreciate the time I DO have with them!  I get so excited to come home every day to see my babies.  Because of this, I am able to really focus on them 100% and give them quality time and attention.  I'm sure some stay at home moms are able to do this well, but I really struggled with this when I was at home.  I was constantly trying to conquer another task on the to-do list and had a hard time focusing on being present with the kids.  And heck - *I* need structure too!

#5 - Its nice to pee alone at least once a day.  And to have a complete thought.  At home, there is at least one child hanging off me 24/7.  I don't even get to sleep sans kids!  I'm not "complaining" about that per se, but no one is going to tell you they don't enjoy a solo trip to the potty every once in a while. 

#6 - I like having a sense of accomplishment.  This is a totally selfish point, but one I think is undervalued by women.  I was reading President George W. Bush's new book Decision Points and was struck by something he said in there - While explaining to their 17 year old daughters that his decision to run for president was not to ruin their lives, he told them that this was his and Laura's way of living THEIR lives.  As parents, we all want our children to dream big.  We want them to live life to the fullest!  We tell them you can be or do ANYTHING you put your mind to.  Can't we do that too, as parents?  If not, then aren't we lying to our children?  And what type of message are we sending our daughers? 

Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, I fully acknowledge that what some people want is to be full time moms, and that is in and of itself a very worthy goal.  If I raise happy, healthy, God-fearing and society-contributing children - THAT will be my greatest accomplishment of my life.  My point is - go for your dreams!  Your children will learn by example. 

So, in sum...if I had the opportunity, I would take a few years to stay at home while my kids are little and still want me in their hair.  But since I can't, there are still plenty of good reasons to stay in the work force and make the most of it.  I refuse to let myself be rendered guilt-stricken.  I'm going to focus on the PROS and take whatever steps I can to minimize the cons (i.e. optimize the quantity and quality of time I DO spend with my children and make sure I'm there when it COUNTS). 

So, ladies - what are your "reasons" for working or staying home?  What is your "ideal" situation?

In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms

This week, during my commute, I listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's audiobook - In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms. You may ask what a working mom like myself is doing reading/listening to this book in particular? Well, I often fantasize about taking a few years out of the rat race and staying home myself. I also was the beneficiary of having an amazing stay-at-home mom while growing up. And, frankly, I was curious about the controversy surrounding the book. Dr. Laura is known for stirring up a few pots in her time. Knowing her stance on working moms (i.e. we're the scum of the earth), I went in cautiously.



I was encouraged in the prolouge when she said that this book was to be in praise of stay at home moms rather than a jab at working moms. But that warm fuzzy feeling of optimism lasted about one minute - long enough for her to snidely and facetiously throw a few upper cuts into the working mom jaw.



This book left me feeling very ... bipolar. In one instance, I'd be nodding my head in agreement with what she was saying. In the next, I'd be ready to punch her in the face! After all, I do believe to a degree in traditional gender roles (and try to respect them as much as I can in my own marriage despite my working status), and I do believe that there is no replacement whatsoever for the love and attention of mommy. There is no doubt that loose ends go untied when you have a two-career family, and there is tremendous value is having someone to "make the home." Plus, I think she has many great points and suggestions (although I've never tried it myself beyond a few months of maternity leave here and there) for being a happy and fulfilled stay-at-home mom.



Dr. Laura, however, goes much much further. She cannot suffice to say that care of infants and young children by their mother is best. Nope - she goes on to say that care by others is harmful, daycare is "warehousing" and abandoment of children, and that a mother who does not gladly take on the task of raising her children fulltime simply does not love her children enough to make the sacrifice. Wow. Ouch!



Another thing that disturbed my post-graduate-educated mind is the fact that she bases all of this on anecdotal evidence - her own experiences, her radio-program callers, letters she's received and experiences she's heard about. She makes a point to state that research has no role in the debate (well, for her, there is no debate), and that people can twist the data to make it say whatever they want. But I beg the question - what do snippets of people's life experiences prove? I'm sure that you can find many stories about working moms who manage to balance the best of both worlds (I'm still working on that...). Plus, I know first hand that you can have an amazingly strong bond with your children and raise them to be secure and self-confident thriving individuals even if they spend some time in the care of someone other than myself! (Don't you dare mention the benefits of this care arrangment to Dr. Laura - she'll hear none of it).



Of course, she justifies her own radio career by stating that she was able to work her career around her family rather than vice-versa by working only at night. Well, that's fine and dandy for her, but the Courts aren't open after 4:30 p.m., and I doubt opposing counsel would appreciate a phone call from me at 9:00 p.m. when my children are tucked away in bed. While I do burn the midnight oil more frequently than not, it is a fact of my profession (and I dare say most) that work be done during normal business hours.



I think the danger in Dr. Laura's proposition (that all mothers should stay out of the work force until their children are grown, if ever), is in throwing the advancement of women back about 100 years. There is no doubt that the world benefits tremendously from having a little more estrogen infused into this testosterone-dominated world. Women bring tremendous value to their professions and our world! Its a nice idea to say that you can jump in full force when your children are grown, but in reality, it doesn't often work that way. She is right - my lawyering (in isolation) is not more important to the world than my mothering. But the fallacy in this is thinking that I am not mothering! I fight and claw to make sure I get have plenty of quality time with my children (not saying its easy or I'm 100% successful), and I see two amazing individuals blossoming who know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their mommy is there when they need them. To throw out some anecdotal evidence of my own - I have a friend who worked for about 3 years after her daughter was born at a high-powered job in Washington, D.C. When her husband took a position overbroad and her son was born, she decided to stay at home with the kids. She does not feel like she's "mothering" any more now than she did before!



Yes, for some women, and for some families, having mom at home full time may be the absolute right thing. But its an insult to women to think that we are too selfish or stupid to make that determination for ourselves. And it leaves those of us who cannot do so for financial reasons feeling like crap.



So, yes, I want to praise stay-at-home moms (and perhaps dabble in the arena myself one day!) because they add tremendous value to families and communities. But for pete's sake (or Mary's or Katherine's, etc.), can we do that without striking a knock-out blow to women who work?????



Anyway, in the end I guess I got what I expected all along from the book.